Dads Want to Bond with Baby Too
How to Support the Bonding Between Your Partner and Newborn
There’s a lot of talk on the web lately about the demands of motherhood, and how much more household chores and responsibilities fall on moms even today. But, in honor of Father’s Day, let’s focus on the dads and see if there might be more to it than simply lack of want or ability that’s keeping things so disproportionate in American households.
There’s ample data to suggest, actually, that Millennial Dads are interested in more than just avocado toast — they also want to be more active in the household and with caregiving. In fact, 85% of dads surveyed in the United States, the UK, Argentina, Brazil, Canada, Japan and the Netherlands said they would do anything to be very involved in the early weeks and months after their child’s birth or adoption.
TLDR Summary: Dads want to be more involved!
So, if dads are not as involved as we’d like them to be, what might be holding them back? We think a mix of confidence, information, and encouragement.
Want to support your partner and set him, and your family, up for success? We’ve got 5 things you can do to help the process. Implementing these simple techniques to your parenting tool belt will lay the foundation to an egalitarian household and deepen the bond between father and child for a lifetime.
1. Learn Together
Do any of you remember the scene in the movie Knocked Up, when Katherine Heigl’s character tears up when she learns (while in the Delivery Room) that her baby’s father finally read the baby books?
I mean, credit where it’s due to Seth Rogan’s character for starting to take fatherhood seriously before the baby was born, BUTTT, we know dads in real life are much more likely to take an active role in caregiving.
However, if you’ve been learning about pregnancy, the prenatal development, birth, postpartum, newborns and more for a lot longer than your daddy-to-be. We recommend encouraging and inviting your partner to not only “read the baby books” so-to-speak, but also learn alongside you. What better way to connect and prepare for the teamwork it takes to excel as parents than to learn together?
Before your baby arrives, make sure Dad can join you at your prenatal check-ups, tour a birth center (wink wink), and attend any classes you plan to take about childbirth, breastfeeding, newborn care, and more.
Any parent knows you never really stop learning about how to care for your offspring. So, let this serve as a reminder that AFTER baby arrives, you should still encourage and support the act of learning together while “on the job” — this means tackling diaper changes, feedings, and sleep together.
In the early days, it may be tempting to send Dad off to get food or take care of errands, while you learn how to care for your new baby. Consider instead, finding ways to let some of those things go, ask for help from local friends and family for the necessary tasks, and invite Dad into your bubble. Two heads are better than one, after all.
2. Paternity Leave Equals More Time for Dad to Bond — Encourage This!
We’re coming around, as a country, to the concept and support of Paternity Leave. Dads want to help more and be around especially during those precious early days home with your new family. As soon-to-be parents, educate yourself about Paid Family Leave benefits and what paternity leave looks like with his employer. Once you know your options, figure out what your family can afford. If the time together is available but without pay, try to get creative with budgeting and saving if possible!
This is a conversation you should have and revisit with Dad before birth, and after. Plan for and expect potential unforeseen challenges such as emergency c-sections, breastfeeding and weight-gain complications, postpartum illness and infection that would demand more care, appointments, and set-backs for your newborn and yourself. You (Mom) will want extra support if these problems arise, and having your partner alongside you will make a big difference.
Some new dads opt to take a few days off each week after a shorter paternity leave so that they can continue to support Mom and Baby. Others may opt to take a full week to three weeks off and then returning full-time.
Paternity Leave, like Maternity Leave, is not a vacation by any means. So, while Dad may have the best intentions before your baby’s arrival to stay home for 3 weeks to support you, the office may be calling his name after a few challenging days of no sleep, diaper blow outs, and a healthy (or unhealthy) mix of newborn and parent tears.
Moms, remind and strongly encourage your partner to hang in there and really soak up as much Paternity Leave as possible. This time is just as important to them as it is for you. In fact, dads who take at least 2 weeks off after their child arrives are more involved with their child’s care 9 months after the birth, compared with dads who took no leave.
3. Skin-to-Skin and Baby-Wearing for More Dad Bonding
If you’re a modern, in-the-know individual, you are aware that skin-to-skin in those first moments after birth promotes instant bonding with not only Mom, but Dad too. Last year, The Rock shared a photo of himself skin-to-skin bonding with his newborn daughter in the hospital room shortly after her birth. We see a lot more dads out and about wearing their babies too.
Skin-to-Skin and Baby-Wearing are not just trendy statements. There’s science that supports the importance of these acts and the benefits extend to Dad as well.
Experts to include the American Academy of Pediatrics and Katie Prochaska will tell you: baby-wearing promotes parent-infant attachment and baby’s development. In those precious early months, one of your baby’s basic needs is to feel safe! Baby-wearing checks this box for them while keeping them nearly as cozy and comfortable as they were in the womb. Dads are just as capable of doing this now that baby is earth-side. Babywearing also leads to less crying!
Helping Dad to get confident with baby-wearing early, works to your advantage too, mama. How else will your partner be able to grab you lunch while helping baby nap at the same time while you heal in bed?
4. Establish Dad & Baby Routine, or Two
They say that time will make you a better parent. We believe consistency cements that! Consistency not only helps reinforce safety and structure for your little one, it also allows Dad to feel confident in his role as a parent.
While breastfeeding is something that we can’t (yet) outsource to Dad, there are plenty of other newborn and baby routines that can help Dad bond exponentially with your child. Bath-time, story-time, tummy-time, diaper changes, nap time, morning run to grab coffee, walking the dog, and more are just some examples of daily activities that Dad can take on for one-on-one bonding time with Baby.
It’s important to allow your partner to choose or at least be involved in deciding what will be his special activity with the baby. It might be a good idea to do the activity together a few times, so that he feels confident doing it on his own.
These designated activities also help free up some alone time for you, Mom, which will help you feel more rested and grateful. With the stress and overwhelm that hits all new parents, it doesn’t hurt to find ways to encourage your partner to get some brownie points in your eyes.
But, our focus, again, is supporting bonding between dads and their babies. We know now that babies are able to securely attach to multiple caregivers, and attachment is more likely when the caregiver is responsive and can attune to the needs of the baby. Establishing a routine to allow your partner to get intimately familiar with one component of your baby’s life sets him up for secure attachment. Whatever the ritual may be, this is Dad’s special time to look forward to and help him feel like the pro that he is.
5. Step Aside, Mom, and Let Dad Bond
Last, but not least, be sure to let your partner do things and learn his own way. It can be easy to micromanage parenting your little one, especially when hearing tears can actually cause us some serious Mom-pain. But, we have to let our partners find their own way, and oftentimes, the only way that can happen naturally is by giving them some space. It can be intimidating to try to learn something with an expert standing next to you, and we’re sure dads can feel that way when in the presence of our perfect, amazing mom selves (this is the way they see us, we think — not necessarily reality).
We intuitively know that we cannot do it all and it’s good to let people learn on their own. But, we also know how hard it can be for a new mom to relinquish control. So, we’re reminding you again, mama, how important it is to encourage and support your partner to bond with your little one from Day 1! We promise that 9 months down the road, when putting your baby to sleep doesn’t feel like rainbows and butterflies, you’ll be so thankful that Dad knows how to soothe the baby just as well as you can. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. There’s enough to go around for the both of you.
You know the saying, ‘Heal yourself, heal your children’s children.’? By establishing these norms in your household that focus on including Dad, you’re modeling the behavior your children will support and encourage once they begin having their own. Together, we can continue improving one generation at a time.
