After having a healthy first pregnancy and baby I expected the second to be just as healthy. I wanted this birth to be a completely drug free birth at a birth center. I planned on going home hours after delivery to start enjoying life as a family of four. My husband, who was deployed to Afghanistan at the time, and I were having discussions on what childbirth class to take when he returned. I had it all planned out.

Then, after a routine 20 week ultrasound, it became clear that there was a problem. I found out that our baby had Spina Bifida. She had something called a myelomeningocele meaning that her spinal cord did not finish developing in the first few weeks of pregnancy and was exposed. This open area would have to be repaired the day after she was born. The complications from Spina Bifida vary with every individual and there was no way to tell what complications our baby would have.

The pregnancy I had signed up for was gone along with the birth I had been imagining since even before I was pregnant. I was suddenly having all sorts of tests done and meeting with all types of doctors and specialists. I was told a scheduled c-section would be the best option for my baby and that she would have an extended stay in the NICU.

I was completely devastated at the loss of what I had imagined for my child and for her birth. This is why I share this with all of you. I think so often we become so obsessed with what we think the “perfect” birth will be for us that when things don’t go exactly as we had planned them we become crushed and overcome with guilt even. I knew a c-section was the best option for my baby, but I really wanted her to enter the world in a more peaceful way. And I was so sad that we would miss out on so much bonding initially.  Part of me wanted to keep considering a vaginal birth, but I didn’t want to risk any further nerve damage. Plus, I wanted the baby’s medical team to be as prepared and ready as possible.

At 35 weeks pregnant I developed something called cholestasis. There is no real harm to mom with this condition, but the baby is at risk for stillbirth after 37 weeks so these babies are typically delivered at 37 weeks. The baby was also still breech. So on December 21, 2012 at exactly 37 weeks pregnant I was wheeled into an operating room for a c-section with the hope that the benefit of delivering three weeks early was worth the risk. It turns out that she did have some signs of distress at birth but no complications due to the early delivery so it seems like it was indeed the best choice. I was able to see the baby briefly before she was taken to the NICU. Several hours later I was wheeled down to see her, but because of the defect on her back she was not able to be held until a couple of days post surgery.

As you can see, pretty much nothing went as I had planned it to be other than now I have a beautiful baby girl. And as traumatic and emotional as it all was at the time; l knew this is exactly what she needed. Every birth seems be as unique as every baby. I hope sharing my story empowers other moms to let go of guilt and just make the best choice for their family whatever that may be. Mackenzie’s birth was not at all what I had planned or hoped for, but that doesn’t make it any less worthy of being celebrated. In fact, maybe it’s more worthy because we really struggled and fought for her to be here. She is a strong baby and there is nothing imperfect about her. And while we don’t know what challenges might be in her future; we do know that she will be able to handle them and I will be right here along with her dad, big sister, and our family and friends to support and encourage her along the way.